I am willing to bet all parents at sometime become anxious when they start to think about their children and sex. There is so much confusion out there with what to teach our children in a culture where sex before marriage is not just the norm, but starting much sooner than in earlier generations. Some of you may have heard of the “Sexual Purity Movement” that host Father/Daughter parties where young women make pledges to remain sexual pure by signing pledges and wearing a ring as a reminder of that pledge. The focus is on abstinence, on building support for waiting till marriage. The program recognized that it is not realistic in our lax sexual culture to expect young people to remain sexually abstinent without a community of support. These programs aim to offer youth clear boundaries and rules as well as the permission to “just say no.” But you may wonder “how realistic” such an approach is. Two research facts stand out. On the positive side, youth with an active faith background do engage in sexual intercourse less often than their secular counterparts. But the other fact is that over 88% of virginity pledges are broken and those youth who have taken such pledges have a lower use of birth control than those who have not participated in such programs. Most abstinence programs believe it is a contradiction to teach abstinence along with methods of birth control. Something is missing here. It is not that there is anything wrong with the idea of abstinence. The idea of sexual abstinence may be powerful one when understood as a spiritual discipline, one path of learning the meaning of fidelity and committed love that is reflective of God’s faithful love. The problem with a central focus on abstinence is that they promote “just saying no” without encouraging moral decision making or helping teens to wrestle with why abstinence is a good choice for them. Outward rules cannot take the place of developing an inward moral compass that is guided by authentic inner sense of what is good and helpful. Our job is not simply telling the rules, but helping young people own their own moral convictions. I’d also add, that the effect of many abstinence programs is that, rather than develop a healthy appreciation of the goodness of sex, sex becomes something that causes shame, guilt, and fear. One writer says the problem with this approach is that, teens are taught “Sexuality is dangerous, powerful, and overwhelming; but when you get married it will be perfect.” What kind of preparation is that? There is a bigger task that young people need to undertake – that they need our help with. Our young people need to understand how to develop healthy, respectful, life-giving relationship and distinguish that from hurtful and destructive ones. Teenagers need to experience romantic relationships, practice setting positive limits for sexual intimacy, and come to terms with what it means to have a respectful relationship. They need to learn how to communicate in relationship and how to have the self-worth to go through letting relationships go when they are not right. They needed to gain clarity in what sort of person they might want to eventually marry (should marriage be the path they chose.) They need to understand that sexual expression is just part of being in a relationship and that it is deeply connected to our emotions and sense of our self. There are consequences to being sexually active. All people need to understand what they are getting themselves into – if they make that choice. I believe that the reason is that 88% of virginity pledges fail is that we do not understand the larger developmental needs I am describing here. It is the ministry of the church and Christian families to teach our children and youth how to live and develop healthy relationship based on the values of Christ. At some point this year, I’d like to have an evening with parents who struggle with the concerns I have raised here. My hope is that we can think through the Biblical understanding and gain clarity about how we can best support our children and youth as a church and as parents. I hope to hear from those of you who would find this helpful and welcome dialogue on this blog. Peace, Pastor Allen “Sexual Purity Codes for Teen: What,” Dr. Kate M. Ott, www.TheThoughfulChristian.com. I credit this quote and many ideas for the article from this adult education article and lesson plan.